Where are America's Virgins? Discouraging the Virtuous

This article is from ebireflections.com

   Splashed on the cover of magazines commemorating 2011, there is the image of Kate Middleton, the spectacular bride of Prince William during their April nuptials. Kate, now Duchess of Cambridge, was wearing a beautiful, white dress, the quintessential symbol of the bride who waited for her man. Except that today’s typical bride has not waited, as we noticed during the Royal marriage. Kate and William were long-time cohabiters. Their pre-nuptual living arrangement is considered normal these days, but 30 years ago when William’s father, Prince Charles married Diana Spencer, his young wife’s virginity was widely touted. No doubt many parents used Diana’s example of purity as a teachable moment for their teenage daughters. Three decades later, virginity is under such withering attack, you would think it was child abuse. It is associated with words such as ‘frigid,’ ‘prideful,’ ‘judgmental’ and ‘holier-than-thou.’ “Virginity” was on the Washington Post Outlook section’s 2010 list of the year’s top 13 things to “throw out.” There are now books out with titles like “The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity is Hurting Young Women” by Jessica Valenti. The nay-sayers seem unusually ferocious these days in their zeal against the ideal of virginity. I am surprised at how would-be defenders in the religious community are doing such a poor job of striking back. In January, Christianity Today’s women's blog, Hermeneutics, reviewed WeWaited.com, a singles site for virgins seeking other virgins. The writer suggested the idea was unrealistic, moralistic and “poses problems” in terms of exalting a potential partner’s virginity rather than his or her Christian commitment. Yet, now as in previous eras, virginity is a major test of one’s Christian commitment. Agree with the Bible or not, Scripture is clear that sex is to be abstained outside of marriage. It is the job of the church – likewise the mosque and temple and other traditions that at least on paper aspire to purity at the marriage altar – to hold the line. The church has surrendered its teachings on chastity, so it’s no wonder that even among the devout, the virginity percentages are dismal. The most recent studies conducted by National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health in 2009 and a 2010 study of Southern Baptist young adults from Texas, both estimate the population of non-virgins in churches as about 80 percent. That is four out of five kids in the typical church-going youth group. Despite abstinence rings and pledges, the evangelical abstinence subculture is not sticking. Why? There is no support for it. Many parents’ sexual histories are not credible examples for their offspring. Pastors find virginity an impossible sell and never mention it. A few voices in the wilderness, such as syndicated columnist Mike McManus, have urged churches to openly support chastity among their singles. Mr. McManus and I have asked each other when is the last time either of us heard a sermon on sexual purity. Answer: Never. We tend to hear more on marrying early, meaning that if the highly sexed cannot stay off the cot, at least tie the knot. No one credits the abstinent with trying to follow some very unpopular precepts. Virginity may not say much about sexual compatibility, but it does say a lot about character. This past spring in Touchstone, a conservative Christian publication, Russell Moore, a Southern Baptist minister who is dean of Southern Seminary’s School of Theology in Louisville, penned “Like, A Virgin?” His essay criticized a chaste female who wanted her husband to be a virgin like she is. He hinted she was being unrealistic and judgmental for judging a potential mate on his sexual history rather than his Christian commitment. This hapless woman resisted the spirit of the age and yet, her Christian leader denigrated her values. So much for seeking out a pastor’s advice. And then there was that charming New York Times article last January: “Single, Female, Mormon, Alone,” about a 35-year-old who wrote that her virginity had brought about arrested development akin to children from Russian-speaking countries whose lack of physical contact had stunted their brains permanently. Church leaders (and imams too as some of the respondents were Muslim) should read all 107 comments to that article because it would open up a whole new window on how devout single people feel about the faith institutions that have so failed them in holding to this ideal. I call it the discouragement of the virtuous; the wearing down of the virgins in our midst who are told non-stop how old-fashioned and out-of-step they are. One of the few recent items dealing with this topic is Anglican convert Lauren Winner’s 2005 book Real Sex. Also, there is the Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On by Dawn Eden, a Roman Catholic, came out in 2007. Other than that, Protestant and Catholic publishers are not exactly racing to publish books on this. They probably think there is no one out there to read them.

-Julia Duin was an assistant national editor at the Washington Times for more than 14 years. Currently, she writes for the Economist and the Washington Post. She has written two books for single Christians.